Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in bryantan's LiveJournal:

Thursday, March 16th, 2006
12:45 am	im back..atleast for now... anyway im cre8ing a new blog, trying to make this one look nicer so wont really be blogging, but let me atleast say that the world is changing and if u realise one day that you dont really have much to say to some friends or rather u feel a gap or distance from the past friendship u've had, ur prolly in the real world. gd night people. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
11:16 pm	nothing is what it always seems woke up today at 9 with a headache so decided to call samuel(boss no.2) to apply leave today..apparently my headache didnt get any better even until now...sigh..but anyway a friend wanted to meet up with me so yea, we met and to catch a movie at cine. we caught Jarheads and yea it was awesome so we went to buy another ticket for Underworld 2 or something which turned out to be really lousy...so after that we decided to go chill somewhere, somewhere that was really open but not anywhere anyone would juz walk past every few seconds..was really tough finding it but we still we still managed to! but anyway, we talked alot about whats been happening in our lives recently and stuff, and she said one thing which kinda bugged me quite abit. she said "u seem to have alot to say but u just cant find the words to impress yourself.." which i felt is indeed totally true..its like im having this sorta inner-impressionability disfunction, well..if there was really such a symptom...so she was telling me that she just broke up and all, which at that moment, i didnt want to go anywhere near what happened to me a week back cuz to me, as much as i had alot of feelings still kept inside, i still felt that since its over, then let it be, so i decided to let her pour out whatever she wanted to say to me, which i, in the end, found out that mine wasnt that bad cuz in her case, her bf was cheating on her when she caught him and another girl holding hands while they were purchasing tickets at cathay to some movie..and she cried(i kinda saw that coming) after telling me all that...poor her..then when she wanted to go on, i interrupted and said we shuld prolly head back home alre cuz i really didnt want her to go on about something like that..its not like i didnt wanna comfort her again when she cried again or anything, i just felt that her ex bf wasnt really worth her tears..i mean i dont know if what shes telling me is the truth, but im just giving her the benefit of the doubt cuz u dont expect me to go question her ex bf when i dont even know him right? anyway the way back in the cab was really quiet cuz she was kinda tired so i lent her my shoulder to sleep on while i was plugged in to my pod mini, and one song which was playing was yellowcard's "only one", which made my mind wonder to the past again... Yellowcard - "Only One" Broken this fragile thing now And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces And I've thrown my words all around But I can't, I can't give you a reason I feel so broken up And I give up I just want to tell you so you know Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you You are my only one I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do You are my only, my only one Made my mistakes, let you down And I can't, I can't hold on for too long Ran my whole life in the ground And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone And something's breaking up I feel like giving up I won't walk out until you know Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you You are my only one I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do You are my only, my only one Here I go so dishonestly Leave a note for you my only one And I know you can see right through me So let me go and you will find someone Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you You are my only one I let go, there's just no one, no one like you You are my only, my only one My only one My only one My only one You are my only, my only one this was the song i heard, i mean when u have had such a wonderful experience in something, and especially love in this case, its really difficult to get over it, and the thing is that the harder u try, the harder it is to breeze over...guess this is what's still lingering in my head up till now..dont worry, i wont dig up the past anymore, im going to let it just be kept in a corner in my heart from now on. she hasnt messaged me at all today, i think shes still pissed at the smoking thing..but what can i do? i dont wanna spoil her day by calling her and letting her hear the voice of a pathetic guy whom she was stupidly in love with before...so this is the end of another friendship i guess..WHY DOESNT ANYONE UNDERSTANDS ME OR AT THE VERY LEAST LETTING ME EXPLAIN TO THEM BEFORE LETTING ANGER GET TO THEIR HEAD?!...hahah..sometimes i just wish..sigh...forget it..why do i even bother to blog? no one ever reads whatever i crap about in my stupid life..i should just stop whining, right inez? why do they even care? why do i even care? i just feel so sorry for my friends, and ofcourse inez whom i have made her seem like a total idiot by going out with a non christian like me..i didnt know religion meant so much to you. so damn sorry. (Comment on this)
12:09 am	really dont know what to say... well..the day started off rather well...but its juz weird cuz we havent been subjected to any crap since work started so while we happily walked to the office, everything seemed so peaceful..a little too peaceful...so while the 3 of us were just sitting at our own 'cubicle', our first complain since we started came! Boss "have u guys been using free flow of profanities in office?" loon "huh?" Boss "cuz apparently, i have had complains from someone that u guys are screaming ^%$#@! very loudly in the office, and that this isnt the first time he's complaining.." well, that was retarded..i mean seriously, the office is so noisy 24/7, so 1) even if we were screaming, no one would be able to even be able to even try to make out what we said, and 2) i know this sounds really impossible, but we have really restrained ourselves from even saying 'shit' in office, so this guy whom we apparently dont know his identity, is trying to backstab the 3 of us who are merely teleappointers..and u know the best thing that happened? i called her, well, hearing her voice still makes me smile, but the thing is that i wanted to be honest with her, and in the way i got myself stabbed right in the gut...so u guys might'a prolly guessed that i told her that i was smoking and also that it would definitely be an easier way to communicate with my bosses or whomever if i do need some help from them, and the thing is that i dont even buy cigerettes! yea and she always told me "u always have a choice" or when she's pissed like she was when i told her that i was gonna go for a cig break with my boss, she said "juz do whatever u want" and she hung up afterwards...i mean what is wrong in this world?! she said that i never opened up to her in whatever i did when we were tog, and now after we broke up, she's very nice to still message me and treat me as a friend..oh, dont get me wrong, im not trying to make up for the times when i was being frank with her about alot of things, but im being honest with her simply because i still treat her as a good friend and that like she said in a message that she hoped that this friendship would work out at the very least or even become better than before, i really wanna stop all these keeping things to-myself-mentality..but seems every thing i do doesnt make her happy, even as a friend...but then again, i have too much to worry about at the moment..so at the very least, i just seriously hope and pray that i wouldnt be a potential patient suffering from a cronic case of depression or something...this world is just too much for me to take right now..too tired, too dead..good night ya'll... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
11:48 pm	wont be blogging for awhile. so much shit's been happening that i really wanna kill myself right now. bye. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
3:21 pm	5 days after we seperated well, its been 5 days since we went our seperate ways..things are improving bit by bit at a time, which is good...i hope. anyway was suppose to blog yesterday but then i was kinda tired and the thing is that i called inez before i went to sleep! i totally forgottened that i wasnt her bf anymore, and it only dawned on me when i heard her say a very warm 'hi' as she would to any normal friend when she picked up her phone..it definitely made me think a little which kinda caused me to sound rather distracted while she was talking to me. ok, going back to point, yesterday, work was boring..i ran out of leads to call...yes, i finished calling 350 people within 3 days (didnt go to work on thurs remeb? read 3rd post frm bot), and i didnt even make more than 5 appointments! this really sucked cuz the advisors really had high expectations of me since my previous job was with starhub, working in the direct sales section as a promoter, so technically, this is suppose to be easier for me, but i was soooo wrong...i totally forgot the whole world hates telemarketers, or in my case, teleappointers..besides that, knowing that i only had 5 appointments made, i started becoming anxious..cold sweat trickled down my spine...i felt as though i was about to puke out my internal organs..juz kidding...anyway in my situation, time is *kaching* so i called a secretary at the 10th floor to print a new set of leads for me (i was at the 16th floor), and in the mean time, guess what i was doing..i was talking to inez, yea...juz messaged to see if she was ok and she called me back anyway so guess things were getting better cuz i acutally teased her by saying "so got miss me?" and she i bet she had !!!!! all over her forehead lol...well, she is afterall my cute ex-gf so knowing her, she would use that "u want the lie or the truth" thang to shake her out of that moment of exclamation..sigh...there goes those beautiful moments we both had..anyway, that bladdy secretary didnt come!! so i practically wasted the whole of yesterday amkeing no appointments at all...oh yea, and the best part came when our branch manager came to us and said that by next week onwards, we're suppose to produce 6 appointments PER DAY!! and i swear i really wanted to beat up that !@#$#@$@$..i mean that's insane! 6 a day is juz too much...and like i said, SINGAPOREANS HATE TELEMARKETERS so much that its very entertaining to hear how retarded they can get with their own stoopid excuses..yea and after our B.M. left, one of the 2 old ladies in our grp, who happens to be a veteran at telemarketing said that she will be quiting on monday cuz their expectations of us is just too high and as quoted frm that lady, "i would like to see them $#!%^%&* try to get 6 a day HA~" yes, my facial expression is exactly like yours for that moment. merv also said he wanted to quit so im not sure if im suppose to be happy or not cuz if he quits and i stay, i'll prolly commit suicide while attempting to to get 6 appointments a day, and if he stays on, the both of us would prolly commit suicide while tryin to get 6 appointments a day..thing is, if he's alre such a pain in the ass when he's alive, i juz dont wanna think about it when we're dead or something..oh wait, if we're dead, do we still have our bodies intact as in do i still have my ass after my tailbone? cuz i'd rather not have an ass it so merv cant piss me off hahah..ok that lame, but anyway i have to go lie down cuz i went cycling the whole morning and my ass hurts like hell now..and yes, you can stop laughing now inez. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 24th, 2006
12:10 am	still trying to get a hold of myself well..today was taxing, which in this case referred to both mentally and physically...anyway my day started when i had to meet chuan at geric's place to get some things and when i got there, gurpreet was there too! so yea, we were talking alot about my breakup with my ex gf and stuff and then the thing is that the more i talked about it, the more i felt 'sian'..again...i mean its natural to feel that way since this is prolly the first serious relationship i actually engaged myself into right? yea so preet was telling me that it was zhuo hua's birthday (mich's bf) and i really didnt feel like working so i decided to call my supervisor and call in sick..well, as much as it sounds really irresponsible of me to do so, i juz felt that i had to get out for a while, atleast for today, juz needed a breather thats all..so anyway we headed to the coffee shop for a quick lunch when chuan called inez asking how she was feeling now and what was she doing, which he later told me that she sounded ok now and also that she was on her way to chuan's condo (not really HIS condo, but rather the condo he stayed at before he shifted house) for a swim with her friends, so that really lifted my mood since shes happy and in this case, 'healing' well. but as much as im happy for her, i couldnt really say the same for myself cuz the deep thinking dives in sub-consciously when im alone. so i was indeed tired mentally and all, but i knew that i couldnt be so selfish, i couldnt juz show a very f*ck-care attitude and affect everyone around me, especially since they, as my friends have done their part in being supportive and caring towards me during this period of time..afterall, i was the one who volunteered in the first place to join 'em. so then, we went to tampanes(hope i got it correctly spelt) to get zhuohua's cake then headed off to his sch to surprise him. and all went well except for the part where mich was too enthu that she forgot to get a friggin lighter to light tha candles!! then after the cake, we took a bus ride to orchard..so to anyone reading this, NEVER take 65 from tampanes to get to orchard cuz it took us 1 1/2 hrs to get there, and for me, it was really difficult cuz chuan was with preet and mich was with ah hua, which leaves me with my gucci bag...but seriously, it definitely brought back memories while i was sitting alone, and knowing preet, she asked if i was ok cuz i didnt mention a single word during the bus journey to town, i mean that was nice of her but i think what she didnt know was that i spent half the time snoozing juz to keep alot of things from affecting my mood..hmm, maybe i shuld juz rephrase that cuz honestly, i wasnt being bubbly and all, i mean who in the world could?! i juz broke up remember?! so im really sorry to admit now that it was a false front, but my intentions was basically so as to keep u guys(u know who u are) from worring about me and definitely to not spread sian-ness to ya'll. well, afterall, im juz glad that everyone had fun from the crap and not forgetting to mention the fun of physically abusing me right mich? but what can i say..whats a little pain when i have all that muscle underneath the coat i was wearing huh? thats right, it didnt hurt at all, it was juz an act..bet your fingers musta hurt more than my rock-hard biceps wahaha~ and while im typing this, inez juz replied my message which i sent earlier telling her how happy i was for her and all..and if ur reading this, i wanna say that its great to see your message girl...bet it still hurts, even for me, and like u said "still hurts when im alone"..juz try to occupy urself so as to not think about it...well as much as im saying all these, im still missing you..sadly...good night guys. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
10:15 pm	clueless and still heartbroken today i woke up, though still feeling sore from the heartbreaking decision i did a few days back, nonetheless, i knew i couldnt carry on like that..i just couldnt bear that pathetic mug of me looking unshaven and lifeless. and as i left the house after getting ready for work, i juz couldnt help but feel if He is making fun of me or rather testing me simply beacause of several things that happened..so all these coincidences started when i first tripped and fell from the stairs but surprisingly, it didnt hurt at all, so naturally i would be thankful for He had somehow or rather protected me from getting hurt..but then again, the thought of not having her screaming "why cant u be more careful?1", or "why cant u take care of yourself?!" felt worse than if i fell head first to the concrete floor..and besides that, i found myself listening to "straight jacket feeling" by the all american rejects, so i thought of her again cuz she used to use that song as her ringtone when anyone called her handphone. telling my brain to get a hold of myself didnt apparently work when my i pod's scroll jammed so it kept replaying during random parts of the song..nothing really helped much when i got to the car porch outside the lift lobby as guys who drove would drop off their girlfriends after giving them a peck on their cheek before driving themselves off to work. but what could i do? envious really would be an understatement to describe how lucky those guys are when i saw how happy they were..well...i was too, but anyway, merv appeared to be chatting with his gf while contaminating the air with familiar but corny and romantic words..then after he put down the phone, love songs from the overhead radio filled the air with love songs with songs like "how long", "like a rose", and strangely, "straight jacket feeling"..again...so i thought to myself what exactly was going on? how can things happen so coincidentally and all, but then again, i heard her voice again "dont think too much la.." and before i could continue stoning at the ceiling, she messaged..at that point of time, i couldnt control myself...but nonetheless, i told her the truth..i told her "im missing you..". well..at the end of the day when i was given some alone time in the bus, i wondered if this was a test at all, and if it was, what is it? its not like im pissed cuz im thinking like "wth?! He must be having fun at my expense or something.." but its more like "why now?" im still tired..emotionally..yea, its true that i did ask Him for a solution and if the breakup was really meant in his plan for me and in this case , the solution, then i have nothing to say, but then again if He knew that it would hurt so much, then why put me through all that..why cram all these coincidences all in today, why allow her voice to recurr in my mind?...so honestly..why?... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
11:53 pm	as i woke up this morning, i felt lifeless..as though something was missing or rather wasnt there...everything seemed to be in the wrong place. it was 7.32am when i stepped out of my room and into the cold morning atmosphere. i then found myself dialling the numbers 9-4-8-8-9..when i realised that she wasnt going to pick up my calls anymore...everything changed. the view from the window seem so quiet and cold when endless questions gradually filled my mind -"..was it the best solution?" "was i being fair to the both of us..no...was i being fair to her.." it was when i finally realised that letting go didnt seem so easy after all.. as much as i tried to please her for the past 6 months, she seemed happy, but apparently not what it seems beneath that precious smile of hers when i finally remembered she telling that she doesnt want material comfort..even so, i didnt feel like i wasted my efforts because she and i held something so dear yet so fragile. we both knew that we loved each other and thats probably why i didnt open up to her about certain things that i wasnt happy about, and as much as i really want to apologize for my insensitivity, i only find that its too late..too late to turn back to the once happy couple that we once were, too late to even make up for all that im blaming myself for this mistake, so much so that i'll never forgive myself for letting go of this relationship that was once filled with so much physical and mental intimacy that one could ever imagine. true indeed that this is probably the first ever serious relationship that we've ever committed ourselves to, and is also probably why im feeling so torn and dead inside. i tear when i hear her favourite song, i tear at the photos we took together..i really couldnt bear to let it go...she was and still is so very dear to me, like a part of me. within these 6 months, i've grew so much into her that not seeing her or calling her anymore juz felt so alien..but then i decided to call her today. our conversation was not the same anymore..i really couldnt help it but felt that i have let you down in this relationship which u have put so much effort into but i was too blind to see. but as much as i really want u back now, i also know that its a wishful thinking which would never come true even if a miracle were to happen. juz want u to know that i'll always be here for u and that the memories of our beautiful past will always be with me, not forgetting to mention that u'll always be my one and only kamisan. i still love you inez. ...20thfebruary, thats when our story ended... (Comment on this)